SPECIMEN 01
Hamburger bun
Panis rotundus sesamicus
- Habitat
- Fast-food counters. Barbecues. Everywhere since 1904.
- Marks
- Domed. Seeded. The scattered eye.
- Threat
- Countermeasure
- Order it open-faced. Hold eye contact.
Field Guide · Carry at all times
Field Guide to Bun Species
Nine species identified, rated and countered. One under review. One cleared. Learn the marks. Do not approach. Do not purchase.
SPECIMEN 02
Brioche
Panis butyrosus superbus
- Habitat
- Gastropubs. Upmarket burger menus.
- Marks
- Glossy. A small head on a large body. Went to private school.
- Threat
- Countermeasure
- Ask what it is for. It does not know.
SPECIMEN 03
Kaiser roll
Panis imperialis
- Habitat
- Central European bakeries. Delis.
- Marks
- Five folds in a crown. Imperial pretensions.
- Threat
- Countermeasure
- Remind it that the empire ended in 1918.
SPECIMEN 04
Slider
Panis minor gregarius
- Habitat
- Party platters. "Small plates" menus.
- Marks
- Juvenile form. Never seen alone.
- Threat
- Countermeasure
- Decline the plural. Then decline the singular.
SPECIMEN 05
Hot dog bun
Panis elongatus
- Habitat
- Stadiums. Petrol stations. Fairgrounds.
- Marks
- Long. Hinged. Still a bun.
- Threat
- Countermeasure
- Lompe. Lompe has never let anyone down.
SPECIMEN 06
Bao
Panis vaporatus
- Habitat
- Night markets. Fusion menus.
- Marks
- White, soft, folded. Steamed, not baked: a disguise, not an excuse.
- Threat
- Countermeasure
- Keep the filling. The filling was never the problem.
SPECIMEN 07
Hot cross bun
Panis cruciatus cantabilis
- Habitat
- Seasonal migrant. Peaks before Easter.
- Marks
- A cross. A song.
- Threat
- Countermeasure
- Do not think of the song. You are thinking of the song.
SPECIMEN 08
Dinner roll
Panis furtivus
- Habitat
- Restaurant tables, before anyone has ordered.
- Marks
- Small. Warm. Arrives in a basket, unbidden.
- Threat
- Countermeasure
- Return the basket. Say nothing.
SPECIMEN 09
Bolle
Panis norvegicus
- Habitat
- Norwegian bakeries. School canteens. Fastelavn.
- Marks
- Plain dome. Raisins, which are evidence.
- Threat
- Countermeasure
- See the Norwegian Annex.
Under review
SPECIMEN 10
Bagel
Panis perforatus
- Habitat
- New York. Montreal. Airports.
- Marks
- Boiled, then baked. Round, but with an exit.
- Status
- Under review. A hole may be a confession.
Cleared
EXHIBIT 11 · NOT A SPECIMEN
Croissant
Non panis rotundus
- Habitat
- France, mostly.
- Marks
- A crescent, which is not a circle, which is the whole point.
- Status
- Ruled out. Do not raise the croissant.
HOW TO USE THIS GUIDE
Identify. Learn the marks. Most specimens are round. All round specimens are suspect.
Rate. Five red squares is the maximum. No specimen has ever been rated zero, except the croissant, which is not a specimen.
Counter. Apply the listed countermeasure. If none applies, see the manifesto.
Identified them all? Certify yourself → · Back to the manifesto
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