Every bun vibrates. The Bureau's laboratory has measured how fast. The results were consistent, alarming and round.
The hamburger bun resonates at 7.83 Hz.
This is the Schumann resonance: the frequency of the cavity between the Earth's surface and the ionosphere. The Earth is round. The bun is round. They are tuned to each other. This explains the shape, and it explains why nobody has been able to stop eating them.
Every substance is said to have a mortal oscillatory rate: a frequency at which, if played back to it, it gives up. The bun's mortal oscillatory rate has now been identified. It is also 7.83 Hz. The bun cannot be defeated with its own frequency without defeating the planet. The laboratory has paused this line of work.
| Species | Frequency | Laboratory note |
|---|---|---|
| Hamburger bun | 7.83 Hz | Matches the Earth. See principal finding. |
| Brioche | 15.66 Hz | Exactly double. It would be. |
| Kaiser roll | 5 × 1.918 Hz | One reading per fold. Reported separately, at its insistence. |
| Slider | 23.49 Hz | Three sliders at 7.83 Hz. Never measured alone. |
| Hot dog bun | 3.91 Hz | Elongated, so slower. The wave is also longer. |
| Bao | 100 °C | Steamed. The instrument fogged up. This is the reading. |
| Hot cross bun | C – D – C | Not a frequency. A melody. You know which one. |
| Dinner roll | 1.00 Hz | Low and constant, like a basket being refilled. |
| Bolle | 17.05 Hz | Norwegian. Peaks on Fastelavn Sunday. |
| Croissant | — | No resonance detected. Cleared. |
* These frequencies are not real. The vibration behind them absolutely is.
Each specimen was placed on the plate of a contact microphone in a quiet room and observed until it vibrated. Specimens that did not vibrate were observed for longer. All of them vibrated eventually.
The control slice produced a flat line for the full session. Flat bread, flat line. The laboratory considers this the most important result in the bulletin.
Replication would require buns. The laboratory does not keep buns on the premises. Independent laboratories are welcome to try and are asked not to report back.